The Starting Point

“There's only one corner of the universe
you can be certain of improving,
and that's your own self.”
— Aldous Huxley

Getting Them to Behave

You might wonder how you get violent people to be peaceful. The answer is: You don't.

Violence manifests from an experience of powerlessness. By making the decision to “fix” others, I put myself in the seat of power. I make the decisions — not those who are the object of my “good works.” If they are infected with the violence pathogen and powerlessness aggravates their condition, taking more power from them only makes things worse.

Getting others to behave is not the objective of the Violence Integrative Prevention and Restoration (PAR) Model. Getting ourselves free of the pathogen, improving unhealthy conditions (what we refer to as “risk factors”), and giving others the opportunity to do the same is the objective.

The Thought-borne Pathogen

No one wants to be caught in the grip of the violence pathogen any more than anyone would want to have cancer. It's clear to me that people are doing the best they can to bring health to their lives. I suppose one could say they're starving for peace, for an end to violence. We don't need to go out on the street, drag them in to our violence-free buffet, force their faces in to the quiche, and shout 'eat!'” They're starving. They'll feed themselves.

But they won't find a life free of violence until they find value and meaning in their lives, until fear is brought under control, until the experience of consuming powerlessness leaves them.

Starting With One's Self

The one person upon whom you can have the most impact in countering the violence pathogen (or, as I sometimes call it, “brain bug”) and building a violence immune system is yourself. When you reduce your susceptibility to violence, you do two things:

• You reduce the number of human beings with violence by one.
• You directly impact the systemic environment under which the violence pathogen thrives. You become a healthy node on the network of human interaction.

Your immunity to violence is contagious. You can, in effect, infect your children, friends, peers, relatives, co-workers, and people you meet with healthy power if you experience healthy power yourself. You can be especially effective when you know how violence operates in you and others, then take action to call forth power for those you encounter each day.

How do you do that? There are many ways of leaving others with a sense of power. You call power out when you are authentically honest, compassionate, caring, supportive, encouraging, trustworthy, and thankful. It comes forth when you “make” someone's day, when you feel your own power and step up to be deeply in the presence of another.

When I realize that it starts with me, I realize that — ultimately — it ends with me. Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s become something of a cliché, but only because it’s so true.